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September 11, 2011

A Father Tells Why He Wants His Kids to Hit Back

dExTeR is self employed, a self professed IT geek (his words, not mine) and has just recently started to work with his wife to offer social media consulting services. He has a blog called ‘I wish my kids would …,’ and is learning the more he writes, the easier it gets. So true! dEx loves talking about fatherhood, his kids, and things family-related. He’s getting such a good response from the fans in his life (namely his mum and his wife) that he’s thinking he might start yet another blog. Before he finds out how blogs tend to suck you in, please help me welcome dEx to SuperParents.

I Want My Kids to Hit Back by dExTeR EuGeNiO

Hello all you SuperParents, my name is dExTeR, and together with my wife Olivia, my 4yoD Cadence and 2yoS Carson, we’d like to welcome you to my first (and potentially last) guest blog post. Last blog post? Read on to see why.

I’d like to think that my wife and I are “traditional” parents for a better word. For the past 4 years I have been self-employed with my wife staying at home to look after the kids. She works casually a couple of days a week and our kids have yet to see the inside of a child care centre. She’s the disciplinarian in the house, but if it comes to it, the final word ends with me. I work all day (and at times all night) while she stays at home and cooks and cleans. So I guess you couldn’t get more traditional than us.

A Young dEx asks 'yOu WaNt A pIeCe Of Me?'

For the most part our parenting values are on par, education, tick, religion, tick, discipline, tick, there really isn’t that much we disagree on, and with over 15 years of being a couple (7 years married), there’s not a lot we fight about either. Except for this….

If one of my kids is bullied and gets hit. I want them to hit back.

It’s something that my wife and I come to blows with every time and so I learn to cut these conversations off quick smart. Though there is no way of telling that either of our kids will get bullied in the first place, I just know that deep down inside, if either of them are threatened with or are harmed with physical violence, from me, they get the green light to defend themselves and fight back.

Now this post could make me extremely unpopular with the community but it is something I really feel strongly about. Instead of plainly stating that this is my stand, I have decided to justify my comments with a little self-analysis. At the end, make up your own mind as to whether my reasons are justified (or I’m just a looney):

1. My first child is a girl.

“Daddy’s little girl” Never were 3 words spoken so true. I believe that had our first been a boy, my beliefs would still be the same, though my wife’s stance may not be so strict. Boys are brash, rough, and quite violent at times (trust me, I’m living the dream now!) and so the natural progression from baby to toddler to childhood and beyond, will always have boys being more physical and generally rougher around the edges. It won’t be for every boy growing up, but this would ring true for a greater percentage.

2. I’m a father

A major role of being a father is to protect your family, no arguments there. If I’m not there to protect my family, I would like to think that they would be resourceful enough to protect themselves. The same goes for my children. In school, out with friends or in any situation at all, I would like to think that both of my kids have a certain mental and physical toughness about them to sort themselves out.

3. I’m scared of bullies and bullying

There’s no doubt about it, bullying has me spooked. Everyone has suffered some form of it as a kid (and if they haven’t they’re lying!) and most of us eventually grow out of it. The media has hyped it up, and I’m the first to admit that the more aware of it I am, the more concerned I become. As a result, I would much rather prepare my children to stand up for themselves, if and should the need occur, and I will admit to being unmoved if I receive a call from the school saying my kids had hit someone as a result of being hit themselves.

4. It’s get hit first, then hit back second.

I don’t want my kids to be bullied. And I don’t want them to be bullies themselves. I won’t teach them to mentally or physically harm another, even if they have the capacity to do so. I want to teach them that if they are getting harmed, getting hurt or getting physically abused, to stop it all happening by whatever means. If it means physically hitting them back, then so be it. Again, if they get hit, they can hit back. And that’s the only time I will allow them to hit.

5. I came out alright … I’m just following what my parents did.

I’m of Asian descent, have been in Australia since I was 5, and went all through primary school as one of only a handful of Asians in the entire school. My parents, thinking about the inevitable, enrolled me in martial arts when I was 7. I did this for 5 straight years and had never used it in anger. Ever. But I know that my parents felt that little bit better knowing that should some stuff “go down” I would be able to put up a little bit of a fight. And for the record, even though I had the knowledge and strength to cause some damage to my fellow students, I never started anything, and the same can be said up to this day.

So there it is. Possibly the main reasons why I see teaching your child to fight back is an “ok” thing. I know most people won’t agree with me and but hey, you say tomayto and I say tomahto. This argument could very well fall into the same category as spanking your kids and so I’d love to hear some comments for (yeah right) and against (most likely) my thoughts and opinions. Oh and thanks for reading.

Regards

dEx

Please would you say hi to dEx by adding him on Twitter @gossipism. Cheers, Colin

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–
Colin Wee, Associate Woman
Parents Need Parents in Perth, Western Australia
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September 9, 2011

What Real Work Does the Primary Care Giver Do?

I’m just now doing a joint giveaway with my online buddy Kelly from Be a Fun Mum where we’ve coordinated a back-to-back giveaway of a cool Smart-Trike stroller. I’ve called for people who are interested to subscribe and then try to sway me with generous compliments, but instead of getting my ego stroked multiple times – I’ve had the good fortune to strike up a nice conversation with my new online friend Katie Poli. Katie has just had a baby girl – her second child, but is back to work and has hit the ground running! The following wasn’t intended to be a guest post at all, but is a running conversation we both had about parenting, work, and the expectations you have of yourself. Lots of what she said however really resonated with many things I’ve worked at on this blog. Please help me welcome Katie Poli to SuperParents.

I’ve just discovered your site through be a fun mum and I am now a subscriber and facebook lover :) my hubbie is currently doing the mr mum thing (14 weeks of leave) with mr 2.5 (going on 25!) and miss 5 months (cute as pie) while i am working fulltime from home …

I’ve never thought of how it would be like doing the Mr Mum thing for a shorter amount of time. With Wills I took one for the team for the first three years. When my daughter came, I returned to work full time … and was looking out for any excuse to quit. I did quit eventually when she turned one and took care of her until she was ready to go to school at three.

It is so wonderful having dads in the caring role as I feel that everyone learns from the experience… I have had to learn to relinquish control and trust my hubbie’s judgement as he is fabulous, and he has learnt that morning tea and lunch has to be eaten on the go and cuddles, stories and jumping on the trampoline often trumps getting any ‘tasks’ done! hehe :) He is currently 6 weeks into the 14 weeks and he is loving it, already he is hating the idea of going back to work…

Everyone learns from the experience? You mean all Dads MUST have the opportunity to learn from the experience! As the primary care giver, I was and have always been well supported by my wife who worked close to full time. I’m not sure I would have done the same for her had our roles been reversed, and had I not had the experience taking care of either one of my children full time (see My Wife Works Full Time: Equal Parenting). Most people just don’t understand how draining it is placing someone else’s needs above your own day-in-day-out.

I work a number of jobs (actually one isn’t from home, but it is easier to generalise!)… I am lecturing in arts education (one day a week – that’s the job that is out of the house), and then I teach piano the other 4 days morning and afternoon, as well as do music typesetting (working with music notation software preparing sheet music for publication) in all the other pockets of time! A busy bee I am! :)

Wow. Hat’s off to you, Katie!

I have always done the music teaching and typesetting (since our son was 6 weeks old) and struggled through the whole thing trying to be mum as well (I didn’t want to put our children into daycare – a personal decision, I don’t judge people who do!!! but we also needed a second income)

My wife and I also wanted to be the ones to care for our children, if possible. Of course, this was both a luxury and an effort … and an arrangement that many families struggle to get right. We did however explore a short session in day care to prepare them for school (see Child Care Gone Wrong and Family Day Care).

I do agree with you that the role of primary caregiver is completely undervalued, as our society bases so much identity on what we ‘do’ (ie job) – it is usually one of the first questions you ask someone when you meet them! I do agree, however, that taking care of your kids is a mammoth task and a huge balancing act with higher exhaustion levels than I have ever known! (and I taught year 1 for many years!)

For sure … and the reason I wrote Why I am Obsessed with Women.

The problem is that the primary care giver is assumed to be doing something brain dead, simple and menial. The resulting burden therefore cannot be more than the executive who deals with situations and problems that run in the thousands or millions of dollars. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

However, I have experienced a number of sides of the ‘identity’ situation… when I’m working lots I desperately yearn to only be “Mum” and be able to dedicate myself totally to our kids, for the patches of time when I am being only “Mum” (school holidays or times when my jobs aren’t busy) I have occasionally felt that loss of ‘job’ identity, when you are really existing for the kids and the household.

I think people feel this guilt and emotional conflict different. I was not immune to it, but have always been able to shunt emotional negativity aside until I could deal with it rationally. This *is* a really important topic that frankly I think we can do a better job exploring than we’ve done so to date.

However, when my husband stepped into the role a few weeks ago I felt the reverse – I felt guilty not doing the kids and housework thing as I had always prided myself on being in control in that department! I think as primary caregivers we often are our own worse enemies… we feel guilty no matter what!

The more you are in control, the more you seek to increase that control. It creates it’s own problems. Have you seen the post Sakura Odie and her 7 Golden Rules to Achieving Balance? It’s a good post, and dare I say it, you should check it out.

Lovely to have chatted with you, Katie. It was really nice to talk about some of the issues I try to tackle on this blog. I didn’t feel like you hijacked my giveaway post at all!

Hope to see you back again soon.

Is it about time to start talking about the Perth Royal Show?

September 7, 2011

A Friend of a Friend is Not Necessarily Friendly

True story occurring right now …

I met a friend of a friend. And we started chatting about our mutual ‘friend’ who was going through some marital problems. I joked that one of my priorities was to get him a new wife. Then this friend of a friend returns to my friend’s wife, reports that I am trying to set up my friend and trying to break up their marriage. Obviously this creates *some* tension on all parties concerned.

Now, if you know that there is a problem with a person’s marriage, would any thinking rational adult feed them any further information that would incite unreasonable anger, would cause further antagonism between the partners, and basically just ruin everyone’s relationship? Why would a sane person fan those flames???

Colin is crazy and will joke around. It is in the retelling of the crap without the right tone or timing or in the context of the conversation that will sour everything up. Obviously with hind sight this could have been avoided. But one thing’s for certain …

… a friend of a friend is not necessarily friendly.

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September 5, 2011

Bird Droppings are a Great Source of Vitamin C

: “In a Survival Situation, It’s Good to Eat.”

Bear Grylls would have said something about how back alleyways
are dark and dangerous, and when in a survival situation bird
droppings would make for a great source of vitamin C.

I’m not sure if I should have challenged Wills to the ultimate
Man v. Wild test … but here you can see he’s going beyond the call
of duty. He’s leaving the sanctuary of our nest! He’s doing something
very unlike what I would do … or in fact what he would tend to do.

Or for that matter … what any sane person would do.

Children don’t need to eat guano and sing I want to break free, but if
you want to have bullet proof children, they need to be challenged.
Sometime you need to do things differently. Or perhaps get a trusted
friend to show your child how their world is different to your world.

Challenging your child frequently, in relative safety and over a few
laughs will go a long way to developing a robust personality, good
emotional well-being, and … sometimes even a great photo op!

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September 4, 2011

How Do We Make Fathers Day a Little More Bearable by Maid in Australia

I am so excited to have one of my good online buddies Bronwyn Marquardt from Maid in Australia join me on SuperParents. We’ve probably spent more time tweeting or FBing in the last year than actually working together on any one thing, but I have always enjoyed Bronnie’s company online as well as off when we met at AusBlogCon2011 in Sydney. While she did join us on the wildly popular Tiger Mother series I hosted early this year, what I really look forward to is her perspective on single parenting and divorce. I have had quite a few requests from friends locally for posts on this subject and I think she’s going to fill in the gap that I frankly felt unable to address. Please help me welcome Bronwyn Marquardt to SuperParents.

It’s Father’s Day. But is it a Happy One? by Maid in Australia

Bronwyn Marquardt - writer, author, journalist, blogger, and mum

While countless Dads across Australia wake up to breakfast in bed, and offerings of handmade presents and painstakingly-written cards, spare a thought for the other fathers.

They are the fathers who aren’t treated to burnt toast and lukewarm coffee, and who, for a variety of reasons, dread Father’s Day.

Like Mother’s Day, Father’s Day is supposed to be a special day to celebrate the bond between men and their fathers, and their children. A day when kids say thanks to their Dads for everything they do for them throughout the rest of the year.

But for many men, Father’s Day sucks.

That could be for a variety of reasons: death, divorce, separation, difficult relationships, abuse, or all sorts of crap that life deals out so unfairly.

As the author of Happily Ever Parted, (Surviving Separation and Divorce), published by New Holland Australia, the issue I’m comfortable at talking about is Dads and Divorce. (I’m including separated fathers and/or dads who have kids from de-facto relationships here. But to avoid loads of really long sentences I’m bundling it all under the word ‘divorce’).

Now, in an ideal world, Dads would have access to their children for Father’s Day, whether they are happily married to the kids’ mother or not. And the same for the mums, on Mother’s Day.

Certainly, in our separated family, that’s the case. And our separated family is in no way perfect.

But I’m pretty sure we both recognise that we both love the kids and they love us. So, on these special days, it’s in the kids’ best interests to spend it with the parent who is being honoured.

Do you see what I’m saying here? It’s about the kids. It’s not about us.

But some parents are estranged from their children – either by court, circumstances, distance, or choice – and that makes these ‘special days’ particularly difficult.

Sometimes, especially if it’s early days after the relationship breakdown, it can feel like the grief of breaking up smacks you down all over again.

And like any grieving process, there’s a tsunami of emotions – despair, grief, helplessness, blame, and even a sense of failure.

Watching other parents play happy families with their kids can be like a kick in the guts when you’re already down.

So, how do we make Fathers and Mothers Days a little more bearable?

The Smart-Trike Giveaway

Welcome to the Colin and Kelly show!!!

Yes … it’s the first joint giveaway by SuperParents and Be a Fun Mum!

The Colin and Kelly Show (sorry about cutting you out there Nic)

The Smart-Trike Recliner Stroller 4 in 1 functions as a stroller for babies as young as 6 months. It then grows with your child by transforming into a parent-controlled trike! It’s sturdy. It’s safe. It’s fun. And …

… for this SuperParents and Be a Fun Mum double-team giveaway, it’s absolutely FREE!

The uniqueness of the new model from Smart-Trike is that this is the first and only trike in the market officially certified as a stroller after passing strict shock absorption tests.

Smart-Trike Giveaway

Launched in 2009, it is the first trike in the world designed for babies from 6 months and up. The adjustable recliner seat gives the baby a comfortable and safe perch to enjoy being outdoors. Once they’ve seen enough, tip the seat back and it’s perfect for a nap. Or add the detachable steering handle so you can have full control and peace of mind during early stages of using it as a trike. As your child develops, the handle can be removed to allow toddlers to pedal and explore on their own.

I’m giving it away but … I. WANT. ONE.

Don’t you?

The Giveaway

I am helping the wonderful people at Smart-Trike give away one Smart-Trike Recliner 4-in-1 here on SuperParents. The giveaway is jointly promoted by both SuperParents and Be a Fun Mum as a follow up to the Be a Fun Mum’s Smart-Trike giveaway that was drawn yesterday. The winner will have a choice of either a blue or red trike.

This giveaway is open to Australian residents. To enter, all you have to do is sign up (and confirm your subscription) to either the SuperParents Subscription Service OR Be a Fun Mum’s Monthly Newsletter. If you are already on one of those lists, you don’t need to enter again! I will draw the winner randomly and more or less objectively from both lists but can be swayed if you leave lavish compliments below. Giveaway ends two Fridays from now on September 16, 2011. If winner does not reply to the email within 48 hours, it will be redrawn.

Good luck!

This Giveaway is Now Closed

We used a random number generator to declare that Tenille Dartnall was the winner of this giveaway, and she has 48 hours – basically Sunday afternoon to email me back and claim her very own Smart Trike!!! At the same time I would like to thank Lauren Zervos of Smart Trike for her generosity in extending this giveaway to our readers.

Colin and Kelly

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August 31, 2011

Yesteryear's Tomorrow is Not Always Today

This photo was taken in 1981.

I’m fat. Unfit. Uncomfortable in the humidity.

You can say I had enough of it …

… and was just about to embark on a life altering portion control diet and exercise regiment.

Hot and Bothered at 11 ...

Here’s a shot of me today.

Wearing a memento from yesteryear.

: … Fit and Fab at 41.

While 1981 is long past,

I’m still on the right path …

… and hoping I can share some of my journey with you.

Thank you all for the wonderful birthday wishes on FB and Twitter!

Colin

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If I Can Make My Own Decisions

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A Father Tells Why He Wants His Kids to Hit Back

What Real Work Does the Primary Care Giver Do?

A Friend of a Friend is Not Necessarily Friendly

Bird Droppings are a Great Source of Vitamin C

How Do We Make Fathers Day a Little More Bearable by Maid in Australia

The Smart-Trike Giveaway

Yesteryear's Tomorrow is Not Always Today

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